Too much soul for the world

So the Holidays are finally over and there's finally rest for my wallet. Yeah I think I spent more then I expected to this Xmas, why? well I felt good about it so I went and did what my content little heart told me to do. It was nice to see all the happy faces when gifts were open (even though everyone knew what they were getting lol) it was still nice to see they got what they wanted. As for me, I also got great gifts from nice clothes for work (which I desperately needed, my wardrobe never consisted of office attire), to a cute watch, a beautiful bracelet, a perfect sized bag, to my first pair of heels, and to top it off a purple dell mini laptop. Not only that but I also decided to treat myself with a 23inch samsung lcd and a sony blu-ray/dvd combo. Yeah it was quite a bit of money but Hey, i think I deserved it.
I took a trip to PA on Christmas day and spent an extra night there then I had originally anticipated, come to think of it I haven't been home for about a week now. That's the longest I have ever been away from the family in a very long time and you know what it feels great. I love that fact that I can come home to my babe from a long days of work. Sleeping with him and waking up with him has to be the greatest thing in the world for me. Also being able to go out and come back whenever without having to worry about yelling parents is a blessing as well. I'm getting a feel of independence and you know what, I like it! I can not wait for the summer or fall when my sister and I finally move out. That's definitely worth making a count down clock for.
This little mini is great I can now blog anywhere at anytime and get access to all my social sites and keep on track with my emails as well as stay on top of my bills. The best part of this mini, is the fact that its purple my favorite color! Hopefully now you'll start to see more blog posts then before. Tried the whole mobile blogging on my phone, and yeah total bust, I can't find a decent app to blog on, Oh well. Any who, back to my blog, this week is another holiday week for me at the office, OH YEAH! I totally forgot to mention I got a job with a company called Maxim Healthcare, so far so good I love the office that I work at and the people that I work with. It's a great environment and not to mention so fulfilling. So yeah, this week is a short week, not entirely short just that I get another 3 days weekend since thurs is new years eve. The office will be crazy but its another week I look forward to. And thanks to the Max crew, I'm starting to develop a taste for wine, YAY! finally! ahaha. All in all its a great place for me and I am happy at where I am right now with my job.
My moods are high again now that the bf is back. See around the holidays it gets a bit lonely, the bf goes off to NC to visit family and spend xmas with. I don't mind that at all, its just I can't help but feel lonely when he's gone, but all is okay now that he's back and lying down with me again playing his nintendo wii and touching my butt, oye!
It's already 11 wow, how time flies when your blogging away, it's time for bed I have to be up early for work tomorrow and I know its going to be a busy day so I'm going to need all the rest I can get to be able to stay awake. It's payroll day and I have to make sure everyone's paid in time for the holiday. There's also holiday party week at the office, everyday there is going to be a different theme and I think tomorrow is dunkin coffee monday. At least I'll have the caffeine to stay awake for payroll haha!

tis the season to be giving

Short post on my phone tonight, i quickly want to express my thoughts on this years holiday season, plus im short on time. Im a full-time gal now so I'm not free till the weekend, anyway since i am working i can buy gifts this year yay! im really excited about that last year i couldnt get anything and felt really rotten about it. i made out a wish list that contains exactly 7 items im looking forward to getting hopefully lol. But i must say some items on that list isnt going to come cheap and so i must wish upon a star ooooooor wish upon santa haha, i still believe......i was over my sister house this past weekend and came across a funny convo with popo and babes it went something like this;

"so what do you want for christmas babe?" asks Joey
"yeah, what do you want Iris?" asks donna
"well in response to joey, you should know that already ive been naming things here and there so u should have picked up on it, and Donna get me whatever u want" i replied
"wheres that xmas list u mentioned before?" asked joey
"under my pillow" i answered
"well name me the 7 items on that list" joey demanded
".............and a Honda Fit" i happily chanted finally naming number 7
"ugh, well your gonna have to ask Santa for that one" donna says as I crack up at her sudden response.
Well i guess a Honda Fit is too much to ask for from my friends and family lol, but it doesnt hurt to ask Santa, so pleeeeeease Santa give me a white or silver 2010 Honda Fit, I still believe in you!

7:51 pm

Over dosing on consumption,
Influential words escaping from your lips,
I know I shouldn't be phased,
Uncontrollably I sink deeper into my mind,
Plunging into an overwhelming pool of distraught,
I'm afraid to close my eyes,
Not because I'm blinded by darkness, because I can clearly see whats inside,
This irksome sentiment is devouring my humanity,
While the image of your moving lips play over and over,
Your words stretch out to me with those piercing syllables wrapping around my voice,
Now only muted words can escape me,
My eyes forever open, body struck numb by all the hurt,
I've become your mannequin,
Why must the night scream in my ear,
Keeping me with blood shot eyes and a dry throat,
With sweating palms and a thunderous heart beat,
I lie motionless but senses intact,
It's my self mentality whose become the insomniac,
Laughing with leaking eyes I cant call it crying,
A false distorted smile paints across my face,
I'm vulnerable in such an arcane state.

(just the hurt I felt 2 years ago)

This and That...its never enough

So here I am finished with school and all, finally in the med field that the father so forcefully wanted me to be, I got myself (which I personally believe would be a great start to my career) a job with Maxim Health Care in Hackensack but somehow it occurred to me this morning after a brief encounter with the father, he wasn't entirely satisfied with where my standings are now. This is how it went;

I was sitting on the couch after a nice relaxing shower, I had woken up feeling a little tense and with a light headache so I decided to take a hot shower to relax me, which it did. The father comes along drinking his usual cup of ocean spray light cranberry juice before sleeping for the day, when he says,

"So Iris are you finished with school"

"Yeah, I've been done since October"

"Okay, so what about work? Did you find a job or did the school find you a job?"

"No, the school didn't get me a job, I found myself a job at Maxim, remember I told you about it when I had to go for an interview"

"Oh but that's not good you should be looking to work at Donna's Hospital"

"But I already have a job they want me to start Dec 7th"

"You want to at least try for a hospital like palisades, or hackensack, I hear they are the best in this area and its only about 20 minutes away. Valley where Donna works is also nice, you've got nothing to lose applying to these places. Also Dr. Bond has about 4 medical billers and coders working for his office and I think he's looking for help. I am going to speak with him at my next appointment and see if he would be interested in hiring you."

"Pops I already have a job with Maxim and I told them I am taking the position, besides a hospital won't hire me unless they see I have at least 2 years of experience. So I am using Maxim as a means of experience but if the job goes well and I like where I work I'm going to stay with them."

"But the benefits are better in a hospital and the pay too, you want to look out for your well being as well as your finances. I'm going to speak to Dr. Bond and see if hes looking for help."

"....."

I said no more and sat in silence while he continued to lecture me on the greatness of working at a hospital. He then went about lecturing me on how he and mom didn't get the chance to get an education and how I should be taking full advantage of my privileges. I continued to turn the pages of the photo album I put together of Faith and just smiled at how cute she looked in the photos. Before I knew it the father was saying he was going to sleep for a couple of hours and that he'll see me later in the day. I said nothing and just gestured my head. I heard the door close to his room and took a deep sigh of relief.

I don't understand the way the father thinks sometimes, I mean didn't I live up to his wishes about going into the medical field and actually finish up school not being a total failure? At this point in life I should be making my own decisions, being that I am 23 and all. Why cant he understand that? I didn't even hear a congrats when I told him I was done, not a "I'm proud of you" or "That's great your on your way"......nothing, nothing, nothing......I heard not one word of resignation or acceptance from him. All I got was "now its time to work and pay off your loans"......thanks a lot.

The mother however made me proud of my final achievements, she congratulated me and hugged me saying how happy she was that I finally finished school. She even was extremely happy when I told her I got the job with Maxim and said "Now you can go shopping and buy all the clothes you want, you can get an apt of your own and you can also buy a new car! Look at all the good things you can do now that you have a career!" The mother makes me feel great, makes me feel superior, makes me feel like I can take on the world.

(Hold on brb, I need to take something for this pounding headache)

As I was saying, yes the mother the only backbone I had, the only solid support following me throughout my childhood. One day I want to make her happy, I want to support her and give her everything she's always wanted. I want to move her to Hawaii to be with her family and finally put her lonely suffering to an end. And whether or not the father decides to follow her is on him.....

So what constitutes as a"father figure"? is it someone who pays for your well being as you grow up and puts a roof over your head? Who tells you whats right and wrong and tells you what specific path to follow? Who says "I'm only looking out for you and you'll understand why I did this when you get older" Yeah I understand that part, but where was the support? The "I Love You"? The "Good Luck" when you had a game or a competition? To the "I'm proud of you" when you finally graduated college........

I study others and their relationship with their fathers and its totally different from mine (I don't know if I should even be calling it a "relationship"). I'm envious of these other people and frankly I'm jealous and it gets me upset to see what others have that I don't. It even makes me sick to see how close some families can be, that its strange to me, odd, not human....

Maybe that's why I've become numb, a nonchalant type of person. I wonder why I am so quiet around crowds, to what people have to say or when someone shows affection toward me. I sometimes feel stupid like I don't know what to say or how to act....I feel alien

I guess the father and I will always be this way, I guess this is our so called "relationship" like Oil & Water, they can never mesh together....Oh well, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of caring...

Conversations turned from words to blah, blah, blah

8:38pm, well today was a quiet day, cant say that I was feeling anything at all. All day I seem to be watever. I woke up at exactly 1:17pm due to my phones exaggerated vibration settings. As i opened my eyes to look at the screen I saw that it was the bf calling. "Yep, it about lunch time for him" I thought and hesitated to pick up. I was still a little upset about his performance the previous night at "Cuban Petes" but without even thinking of my final choice i went and picked up anyway, stupid. I said "hello" in a tone not trying to sound still upset yet not trying to sound like I was okay. We spoke for a while about nothing with a couple of pauses in between. I couldnt decide whether or not I wanted to stay mad at him, but as we spoke and his kind words poked at my heart I couldnt resist but let go of my sulky feelings. See he offered to open up an Amazon account for me and set up paypal as well (im selling a bunch of old college text books as a source of income right now, being as im jobless and my bank account will soon read $0.00) so i agreed and bid him good day. I laid back down staring at my bright green ceiling and contemplated if I should go back to sleep or get up for the day to do absolutely nothing. I decided to get up because it was almost 2 and mom would be home, and if she saw that the dishes werent done she'd personally come to my room and throw me out of bed. I thought let me spare myself the agony.

I climbed down the ladder and almost tripped on what seemed to be an article of clothing left behind by my sister when she got up at 9 to get ready for work. I mumbled some curses under my breathe and was on my way to the kitchen. I stood over the sink to see the dishes had piled so high almost overflowing the sink. I put on my moms yellow rubber gloves and began to wash. About 20 minutes later I was finally rinsing off the last fork in the sink, removed the gloves and heard the front door open. I listened quietly to see who it was and recognized my mothers keys dangling as she turned the knob. "Just in time I thought" and I walked back to my room to put away some laundry thats been sitting on my dresser for a awhile. My mom followed in my room soon after asking "do you have anything to close up a cut?" I asked why not turning to look at why my mom asked such question, while piling all my jeans together, she then replied "I cut my finger off from the ham slicer at the school" I quickly jumped around to see how badly injured she was and there I saw it her pinky wrapped up poorly in blue bandages. I asked her "how much did u cut?! " she then answered that she had only sliced a chunk of skin off from the tip. I sighed in relief and said "from the way you made it sound I thought you sliced your finger off" so I picked up the phone to call my other sister, the RN, to ask if we had anything that can treat her wound. As i told my sister what happened she immediately yelled informing me "take her to the hospital shes diabetic and a doctor should take a look at that" I told mom what Donna had said and mom replied "no I'm not going to the doctor im fine"

After about 7 minutes of playing cat and mouse on whether shes going to see a doctor or not Donna finally admitted defeat and told me to get a couple of things to treat the wound. However everything she told me to get, was nowhere to be found in the house, so i decided to take a trip to walgreens to pick up some gauze pads, triple antibiotic ointment, and bandages for mom. I told my mom just to rinse the blood with saline water and put a bandage till i got back. And off i went, i walked slow to the store taking my time to breathe in the surprisingly warm air and to realize the streets were oddly empty today. I entered Walgreens and went straight to the near the pharmacy dept and grabbed what I needed. I then stopped at the hair product isle and decided to buy some hair dye for my hair. I've been wanting to dye it for a while now just to even out the color, i then decided to grab some green tea for the road. I stood by the cashier waiting to pay for my things and then approaches this old woman with a full shopping cart. She stops right in front of me all the while im thinking "I hope she doesnt intend on cutting me, cuz theres no way im waiting for all her stuff to be paid" I quickly slid my things across the counter to the cashier and said "two separate transactions please" the old woman looked at me but i stared down in my wallet deciding credit or debit? I could feel her angry stare down my neck when the cashier says "12.72" I pulled out my 20 and handed it over. As the young cashier rang up my second transaction I again felt the stare of the old woman and again kept my eyes down at my wallet, I pulled out my new batman logo debit card and swiped saying "debit please" then it hit me that I didn't know the pin number to the account. I said "hold on a minute" i grabbed my phone and text joey asking him wat the pin was. Luckily Joey text me right back and soon got out of the tension spot from the old woman.

I made my way up the hill again going very slow, staring up at the new condo building they build a block from my house. "what a waste of tax payers money" I thought and turned my head forward. I finally got home, treated my moms finger and told her "if the bleeding doesn't stop we are going to have to see a doctor" she nodded sarcastically and lied down to nap on the couch. I sat in silence for about 10 minutes looking at the box of hair dye I bought thinking ill dye my hair later. I went back to my room to finish up cleaning and did the usual stuff online. Check my email, facebook, myspace and twitter. I then decided to watch a movie I've been dying to see called "Ponyo" from the famous Miyazaki. I sat and watched for a good 54 minutes and just when I movie was picking up a little window pops up saying I've reached my limit for today and had to sign up and pay to watch the remainder of the movie. I rolled my eyes and just closed the window, i got up and reached for my dye.

I dyed my hair in about 3o minutes and ate some dinner. Dinner was smashed bananas and milk yum, I came back to my room and then began to blog. So that was pretty much my day, a day that went by in a blink of an eye but not really phasing. Again all day I've been blah! For some reason I'm starting to feel nausea. I guess its from the milk I drank, serves me right for drinking milk that I'm allergic too, but there wasn't any lactaid milk!

Simple & Clean

Today starts the revolution of all blogs!!! Hahaha, well yes its been a hot minute (that's what they are saying now) OOOoooorrr, "this blog is clutch", oh how the English language evolves lol. Anyway lets get this ball rolling, as all my readers may know (and here's hoping to new readers) my name is Iris and no I haven't changed since I last started blogging. I'm still crazy in the head, sleepless at night, constantly questioning, and yes going through the longest emotional roller coaster in history. This is why I started to blog, to get my thoughts down and out of my head before it explodes. This time I've decided not to hold back anymore. All the details will be written on stone and if I'm referring to someone I know your name will be dropped on here unless you tell me otherwise then I will censor it, (wow i just realized how much faster at typing I'm getting for blogging, sweet!) So here goes on whats been going on lately in "this thing I call my head"

First I'd like to say that I am finally done with school!!!!!! WOOOOO!!! Yeah I know, I wasn't even convinced myself in the beginning but then when I realized I was sleeping in late everyday and not having to be up at 7 for the morning commute I was like wow! Right now I'm jobless and enjoying my time at home but but but! I am starting a job December 1st at Maxim Health care. I use to work at a place where hell was real and the devil existed under a blue collar shirt, yea the slave capital of the world, "Walmart" However, I took a leave for 2 months to finish up with school and get my future straight, then I landed a job that seems like it will def be promising and so I don't think I will be returning to the ol' ball & chain. Its great to be home though, I love that I can sleep late, wake up late and just laze around as I feel. Even though there are days that I feel like a total bum, I still have time to get out and visit my cousins at South Jersey, stay over my sister place and spend time with my wonderfully adorable chubby niece Fay-Fay so its not all that bad. But these free days will soon come to an end and then its off to work 40 hrs a week for the rest of my life scary!

I realize though that my life isn't the only one changing. Things are happening in front of me and somehow I'm missing it. Which I don't think is entirely a bad thing, but its just kind of scary when I took a step back to look at everything. And I also see alot of changes in the near future. The truth is I believe in change but I am afraid of change. You know how it goes, when a person is use to routine and that routine is changed it throws them in havoc, that they feel lost, confused and so they're stuck. Well that's me, I was so used to my life being the way it was but as I grow and those around me grow things change and I'm just not ready for moving forward. Though in life that's what your suppose to do right? Move forward. I guess I'll hold my breathe and brace myself for the impact and see where I land. Yet! I will not sit quietly my friends, I do have control and if I see something I'm not liking then I WILL CHANGE IT! See that's when I am not afraid of change, when I personally customize it.

It's strange because lately I have been getting these untimely urges to write, about what? Your guess is as good as mine lol. Not really sure what I want to write about but i just know i want to write. So I am gonna write about anything, anyone, anytime. This is one of the reasons why I had to change my blog site, see on my phone it was hard to log onto my xanga and blog. The site was all effed up and I couldn't navigate my way around. Now since my phone is a G1 powered by google I have an app for blogger, now its much easier for me to blog anywhere. I am also looking into investing in one of those new mini laptops (typing on my miniature phone keyboard tires my thumbs) and when I need to blog a book...ugh...i don't want to think about it. But you get the idea. Well see when I get my hands on one of those.

As far as my personal life goes, what can i really say................? It has its ups and downs I guess? I really don't know. I mean there are days that I'm so happy my muscles hurt from grinning so much........then...........there are those days that I want to rip my hair out! Tonight was one of those nights but I'm not getting into that...yeah yeah yeah...I know I said I wouldn't spare any details but tonight was jusst plain stupid and I don't think its worth the effort.

About my family, well now there's something to talk about. To be honest I really don't understand what goes on here in this household. We never really connected like those families in 7 heaven or full house. Its fair to say I speak mostly of the father. Lately it seems we just get pushed farther and farther apart, not like we were very close to begin with just the little closeness we had (based on absolutely nothing) has expanded itself to an even bigger gap. My siblings are my sanity its the only normal thing I see defining "family". The father has been on a rampage lately,very irritable, agitated that I don't want to be home or I try not to be home. I see the possibilities of the two of us clashing and oh boy its not a pretty sight, so I'm trying to spare myself that unnecessary confrontation.

So to finish off this post, I've been sick the last couple of days and shit man wtf!!! That's twice so far this winter. I already got sick back in Sept (and that time I was a wreck) and now again since last Wednesday! Geesh my immune system really sucks, my moms constantly telling me to take more vitamins and intake more vitamin C. I try, I really do but I cant keep up the daily intake, I always forget ( I have bad memory remember). I'm still in recovery, I sound like a dork, constantly sneezing at 3 sneezes consecutive, coughing up a lung, and occasionally feeling a temp.....hey wait!...............could it be swine?!

Zebra print bed sheets (October 22, 2008)

Well well well, its def been quit awhile since the last time I blogged and I thank a certain someone for that. "Thank you Brain!" for reminding me of this blog!...lol..see I told you I'd blog about you ahaha! So lets see what am I going to talk about. Well lets start it off with "I had an unusually good time at work"....interesting huh? Me have a good time at work now thats fucking amazing! lol...but yeah I guess when you close with the right people your time is well spent. So thanks guys for making my night! (and I don't mean that sarcastically) =)....Other then that school was actually alright too now that I think about it. I passed two more of my clinical comp exams however my professor almost failed me for one! But I GOT THIS!... yeah oddly enough I feel like I'm in a good mood today. I actually can't seem to take this grin off my face....which scares me, its rare for me to have these "feel good" days very strange...I wonder maybe I'm preparing for the worst to come....or maybe I'm being a total nut and just over thinking...(seeing as I tend to do that a lot) my head is like NYC it never sleeps. Speaking of sleep I really need to catch up...lately its getting hard to shut these eyes. I'm afraid to sleep sometimes because I have so much trouble getting there. All I think about is "okay here goes another sleepless night" and not to mention that I have to be up early every morning for class and be awake for the rest of the day at my enchanting Walmarta...(sigh)...Great Brian now I'm starting to think I'm becoming an insomniac! Oh and I remember the other thing I wanted to blog about...I bought 2 cds recently Yellowcard & Anberlin (Thank you Ariel since you found me Yellowcard and then bought me Anberlin ^_^)...but yeah back to the point...its so coincidental that both these cds have songs that pertain to what I feel and what I am currently going through at this point in life...Does that ever happen to anyone? You just somehow discover a song and when you listen to it you realize that it illustrates what your going through at that exact moment? It really amazes me how that always happens....in addition to that the scary part is that sometimes the songs reflect events that will happen in the future (okay if you think I'm weird and corny at this point then stop reading it'll only get worse so no ones telling you to continue just exit the window, much obliged) but yeah back to what I was saying...its freaking weird! I just wanted to know if anyone else is going through the same thing. So its 11:04pm and I'm here blogging to kill time so I can stay up till midnight to watch the new episode of South Park...apparently tonights episodes rip on Peruvians I gotta see that!...Oh! My birthday is coming up soon!! 28th on a fucking Tuesday weak shit! Ah well at least I'll be partying it up gonna get crunked off my ass woohooo! and its Halloween yeah baby! Ahahaa!! Okay I'm done blogging for tonight time to chilax on the couch and drink my snapple....I want some ice cream......preferably chocolate....Oh! and I found parking tonight on my block WOW!


PS. How do you like the title B >=)~?

Lazing around feel good (September 27, 2008)

Well it's a nice, quiet, cool, saturday night but still a hectic one for my head. So far schools been okay. I somewhat am keeping up with the reading and HW yet still have my habit of procrastination. I'll break out of that sooner or later. Anyway today I decided to take the day off for myself however I can't stop thinking so I ended up updating my myspace profile for hours...lol...how productive! Things I guess are back to normal. Actually no fuck that things aren't normal and they won't be for a very long time. I kinda sorta just put it behind me temporarily to forget about it but in the end it still lurks at me. I'm just tired of it all and I know I've been saying this for a while but I can't even remember the last time I felt happy, that I felt on track, that I felt no one could bring me down, that I was the very best. I think my stressing is getting worse. See the other night, I do believe it was on the 17th, I got a migraine attack that I actually went to the hospital. Yeah the hospital I couldn't even believe it when I was there lying on the bed all drugged up. I haven't been to a hospital since the day I was born and I was planning on keeping it that way for a long time. But my migraine got so bad this time that I actually went. Now I know that my body is taking to much abuse. Now I have to take prescribed medicine which makes me sleepy and dizzy. This sucks big time! Last night however was a great chill night. I went out with some of my walmarta buddies, we chilled around, drank, watched clerks II (then stay tuned after the credits to see on of our friends name appear on the credits lol), drank some more, smoked, chatted, played some super smash and finally got home around 4 in the morning. It was awesome helped me vent and relax. Only the drinking helped me to remember my problems and smoking helped to me release them. Ah well at least I had a good time. I just thought I'd blog about my pointless day lol.

You know how to push buttons (September 13, 2008)

You never understand anything do you? Maybe the whole "you're an idiot" statement is true. Fit's you perfectly. I will never be able to get you to understand, nothing gets into that thick skull of yours. You know what you go and live happily ever after in your little paradise of babying. Just so you know I think you're the one who needs to "Grow some balls" and man up. If you don't give a shit then why should I. I'll talk to whoever I want, I'll smoke whenever I want, I'll wear whatever I want, I'll DO whatever I want wasting time in considering your feelings was stupid of me. I'm starting to see the asshole back then when he told me "There's no rule in the book that says you can't date a sister" nice one.....

How's it gonna be? (September 13, 2008)

There's never a dull moment. When things start to be going fine, it just has to all fuck up. Why? And the sad part is, it's unknowing. So what's there to do? What can possibly be done when your just tired of it all. That's the problem you never know, your just dense about it. And then you go and say things but then come out saying other things that just contradicts yourself. Which makes me even more mad. What is your deal? I don't know what to say to you anymore I'm really just tired of it all. You tell me I shouldn't worry about certain factors and that if you won't let them get to you I shouldn't. But thats just it you do let them affect your decisions. How can I not worry about it when you let it be a big part of our relationship, I don't even know if I should call it that anymore. I've lost track of where we stand. It's only harder for me and you so maybe we should spare ourselves the aggravation and do away with it all? Like I've said before maybe its the timing, what if right now we are just not meant to be together. With the distance and school I think we aren't ready what do you think?
Wait I know what you think? As long as you know I'm around and here to stay that's all that matters to you. But what about everything else we have to deal with. You really don't think do you? Sometimes you really piss me off how can a person be so blind? I'm sorry if I hurt you but you know what you hurt me too. All my struggles to try to get you to open your eyes about everything was futile. I see now that you just won't budge and don't tell me your sorry I hate that word now, don't tell me you'll change because you won't, don't tell me things will be different because they won't. I'm sick of the false hope and the lies. I'm sick of it all. I'm tired of feeling like this feeling like all I've ever did was struggle with you. Yes I appreciate everything you've done for me and yes we've had some great times but there are things you need to word on and right now I see that your still not ready to evolve to a man. Seriously, I want you to just stop! Stop trying so hard stop trying to mend things the wrong way. Look at what we've been through, remember those times you've made me cry, angry, sad, stressed now think about how many times you've repeated those same mistakes. Remember how many times you've said sorry but nothings changed. How many times you've said you'll change but you haven't. Now you tell me you'll do whatever it takes to be with me but you still let people control you. How can I put that aside?
I'm running out of solutions and running out fast, you haven't proven any different to me yet. So what are we going to do?

My feet hurt (September 11, 2008)

So here it is the new semester and yes I am in the Radiology program how exciting! Not!!...okay it's not that bad and I do mean the course itself. However my schedule it's draining me out. For one thing I just kissed my social life good bye...I mean here I am on a thursday night (my party nights) and I'm home blogging why you may wonder? Well it's because I have class on Fridays now not to mention I just had work till 10 pm so that means I would've had to come home shower, get ready, do my hair and my makeup. Not only that but I'm exhausted. I have class, come home, eat quickly and go right to work. Yes those are what my days consist of now school, work, sleep. I run on like 6 hours of sleep when I go to class and work...the only thing i wonder about is when am I going to have the time to study?
I might have to cut down on some hours but I need the god damn money! Basically I don't have a life anymore. I feel like I'm a machine programmed to run the same routine everyday. It makes me sad and makes me want to give it all up but then I think, "Hey I'm working toward my future, it will pay off in the end" right? I hope so. See this is the story a brief rewind to my not-so-old past (yeah I say that because I'm going back to 04) Anywho here it is, I started college on 2004 where I went to attend Rutgers University in Brunswick to become a meteorologist however I attended for 2 years and that didn't work out. I was very indecisive about my major and basically just wasted time and money. On the contrary I can not say that Rutgers was a complete waste there were many upsides to it....like the liberation!!! OMG was that the best being away from my controlling father, but the boys, the relationships, the parties, the drunken nights, the sex and most importantly the friends. So Rutgers was a chapter in my life I will never forget =) its one of my favorites in fact (I kinda miss it =/)...anyway going back, so after realizing i was getting nowhere at Rutgers with a major I decided to look at my alternative options for a possible career. My father told me about Radiography and said it pays well, its promising, and guaranteed, all that and he wanted me to follow in my sisters footsteps. So I looked into colleges and stumbled across Essex. So now 2 years later after leaving Rutgers I'm in Essex starting my Degree credits to become a Radiologic technologist. Yes we aren't technicians we are technologists.
So this is my first semester with the whole thing and by God what a difference it is. My days are packed with classes and then work so I feel a little overwhelmed that I wanna quit but I know I need to give it some time and stick to it. I'll adjust. The good thing is they just recently opened up a new building specifically for the medical majors so the entire second floor is for the radiography students. The building is really nice. Very comfortable and cozy plus we got brand new machines to work with and these are the actual machines in the hospitals so I can't wait to get started on those. All in all I think it's going to be a great field...I'm just not use to the work and seriousness of it all. This is all new to me, even the feeling of knowing I'm actually working toward a real goal is new to me. I guess this is what it feels like when a person goes into college knowing what they are going to do with the rest of their life. It's a secure feeling and I like it but I'll be honest I do feel a little scared. So far all the students I've met are great. They are all friendly and funny and just fun to be around with. And the professors are great as well. But yeah that basically sums it up right now. I'm tired and need sleep. Seriously, I'm a walking zombie during the day!

Its called liquid motivation (August 31, 2008)

Well it's been a while since I wrote and there's plenty to be said. Right now life is up and down. Last night was an odd night cant say that it was bad nor can I say that it was good. More on the neutral side? Idk....theres was plenty of alcohol involved =| and once that hits my system my word vomit comes out. There was a lot going threw my head a lot to think about because there is a lot going on. Last night I thought a lot not to mention how many cigs I smoked...OMG almost my whole case wow was that bad. I woke up this morning feel utterly disgusting after realizing how much I smoked. Thats right I've picked up a bad habit very bad and last night I went over board. It was really interesting though. As drunk as I was I had some clarification to understand those I spoke to. It seems like everyones going through some type of problem but just listening its amazing to hear all the types out there. At this point I'm very confused my heads spinning and its getting me dizzy to much to think about yet no solutions to stir up.
I was angry last night I felt a sense of jealousy...why?...not even I could understand..well that's a lie I did understand toward the end..but I'm not man enough to say the truth...I'm a coward afraid of what might happen...afraid of what people might think...afraid of what might happen to me and my feelings....I'm a delicate person my skin may be thick but if someone touches my heart I fall apart like glass...I will shatter into a million pieces given the right amount of strength. I am a very selfish person...Gubby told me all night and soon I realized yes I am very selfish...its weird today I woke up feeling okay...(aside from the fact I was hungover) but my feeling had sorta paused...It's like I had no knowledge of emotions...Every piece of last night reminded me of myself...
From Ryan's apartment (signifying my wanting for independence) it was an awesome place and I was envious to live that kind of life, to mike's strong yet very angry personality ( I really am that kind of person I do hold a lot of anger and seeing the way he sorta threw it out there when things didn't go right it reflected my hidden anger. I feel that rage inside my head and heart and the only thing I damage is my insides), there was also Gubby's attempt to control her wanting to get in contact of the one she cares most (yes Joey that part reminded me of you...how I desperately wanted to call and tell you everything how strong my feelings are right now just to spill everything on your lap and to see what you would do about it), to the couples there that night reminded me how I longed to be touched once again...to feel lips upon mine to feel the warmth of ones arms around me, the security of being wanted to be cared for, to Howards art work ( they were dark, held plenty emotions at least to me)..reminded me of my inner secrets, my selfish ties, my jealousy, my anger...If i could draw I'd say that would be about accurate. Then there was Hazel who seemed to be the only positive one that night...She kept a neutral perspective my hope my motivation that life maybe isn't really that bad. That I could look ahead and see that one day I'd be neutral. Yeah I thought about this throughout the night...to much thinking don't you think?
As I stood outside it began to rain...the rain felt nice...it couldn't have been more perfect...the cool drops of water hitting my hot face...I was very warm inside I guess it was because of my stirring emotions..so much thinking so much jealousy...The rain was like a cleansing I didnt care whether my hair was getting messed up or my makeup...I embraced the rain with open arms it was liberating...I could close my eyes and think back to that moment of peace and relaxation...something about the rain washed away my emotions.
I am a terrible person...I'm not so nice like I thought, but thats for another time when I am brave enough to admit why...right now I can't, why? Because I am a coward.
Maybe your right Joey...maybe I do need to man up.
I am so lost its starting to make me laugh...I am tired though....I don't want to deal with all the emotion I want to be saved but who or what will do that? Right now all I can do is smile and walk be myself and hide away the ugly. See last night I let it out...hopefully to the right people...yet that wasn't suppose to happen....to much to drink caused me to have an outburst...I apologize to those who had to deal with my pathetic emotions..I know people felt annoyed with me and angry and I am sorry for being such an idiot...how humiliating...I feel pathetic.
I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings hopefully it will be the day I longed for...the day where all my questions will be answered.

Choke ( August 19, 2008)

The sun is setting, the streets are dying, and the lights are blooming. This what you call the "end". That's right the end of day. It feels like its the end for me as well. It's been another day of disappointment, stress and getting fucked over with everything. Today I realized how pathetic my life is, how much of a struggle I have to deal with. Its very frustrating and pisses me off. I know I've been a good person, sure I've made some mistakes but doesn't everyone? I just don't understand the logic. There are people out there 100x worse then me and they are having the time of their lives....WHAT THE FUCK! Seriously I hate it and I can't stand that stupid saying "No one says life would be fair" But we were raised to that logic...at least I was. I was always told as a child to be good, study hard, be nice to everyone but for what so I can expect something that will never come to me? I've abide by the rules, I've studied hard, I try to be nice to everyone, people always tell me I have a good head on my shoulders but for what!!!! So far nothings good came out of my hard work, nothing. I can't stand the lies anymore I can't stand to look forward to something good if I do good. I don't give a fuck anymore about good morals or being a good girl. I'll do what I want, I'll be a fucking bitch, I fail classes in school because what difference does it make that I struggle and work hard to do good and just get fucked over in the end.
No one could understand how pissed off I am today. How everything hit me all at once. To have my life so far flash before my eyes and to realize how pathetic it's all been. I really don't understand anything. I don't want to hear that everything will be alright, I don't want to hear that everything will work out in the end, I'm tired of hearing the lies and tired of it all. I feel like dropping out of school, I feel like quiting my job, I feel like telling anyone who tires to stop me to fuck off, I feel like sleeping forever. I don't want to deal with anyone I don't want to hear their cheesy ass lectures about not worrying. I've gone over the edge. Driving to the mall today I see how beautiful the world can me how calming the wind can feel, how the guilty pleasures of shopping can put a smile to my face, yet when I look back to reality I see how cruel it can all be. "Look alive or you'll be eaten alive." Fuck the world.
It's all very sad how I cried like a fucking baby in the shower because I was upset at it all. I wish I didn't know how to cry I hate to cry and I hate being emotional. I don't want to cry anymore I don't want to feel that discomfort in my chest. Is there a way to get away from it all? I feel like its a sin for me to feel happy with things to say I'm having a great day. Right now I can't stand anyone, I can't stand anything, I can't stand God.

2 Yr Anni (August 17, 2008)

It's was my 2 year anni with Joseph Keenan! Yes Joseph Keenan my semi boyfriend right now...but I do love him even though we are not completely together. On a thing called a break...things just felt like they were getting just a tad bit out of hand...wait, scratch that, I was losing control of the situation. Even so, I still love him. What we have is more then just bf/gf theres more math involved. We are two very complex people, very different, conflicting views, def off-side parental influences....kinda like ying & yang. Yet there is a strong similarity, our emotions.

So what else about today worked was hell!!! One problem after the other OMG I wanted to shoot myself. I'm so fed up with it I don't even wanna blog about it. Next topic, I had my moment of clarity today! At approximately 9:06pm I took a break journeyed to the side of the building and had my moment...how sweet it was! The best time to do it is in the dark...at least that's what I think. Gubby invited me to dinner yet I shot her down...SORRY GUBBY!!! I was way to tired and just wanted to get home, relax in my room and whine down the night with some South Park. I watched the episode where Cartman draws a face on his hand an claims its Jennifer Lopez...lol...classic...the nutty minds of Matt Stone & Trey Parker gotta love it.

As for me right now I am tired as hell...I feel soooo sleepy and I think I'm about to knock out...I still have a lot to blog about starting from Thursday night but that will be for another day.

"Hanging by a moment here with you <3"

Sore Sore Sore! (August 14, 2008)

Well todays a better day...I finally got started on my workout! Woohooo! Yes thats right I will be attending the gym as much as I can to lose the 15 pounds and stay in shape that way I can look good in my clothes. Yeah what a workout it was...my body is sooooooo sore! But at reassures me that I did a hell of a work out and I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. It's weird being at the gym made be a whole different person. I felt good I felt motivated, light and clarified. Almost like a drug I wanna do it again. It's my new remedy, being at home and or working made me feel dull and pointless. Working out helps me bring out my all. I can see my capabilities. I feel great! Only I made plans to go out tonight to dance and my legs are sore as hell. I could barely make it up the two flight of stairs when coming home lol! Oh boy lets see how I hold up to some grinding tonight. All in all its just been a good day so far. Hope nothings gonna fuck it up!
Anyway I got plenty to do I gotta shower then head over to get my nails done then see if I can get a nice outfit for tonight...maybe not...I really don't have money to shop right now plus I want to save up for a pair of sneaks I am dying to get DC shoes!! SO off to the shower with ya!

"A little poison for the system "

(August 13, 2008)

It's one of those days again where you just feel like shit....maybe more stressed...maybe equally the same. Yes its happened again and it feels like throw-up spilling into your head what a drag. It's like when you don't know what to do first because there is so much to do, then again when you try to get something started something goes wrong. What the FUCK!? Everything that I've tried to do today has fucked up on way or the other and its pissing me off! I was trying to get my schedule done earlier today but somehow I can't register for my classes and then I decided I'll go visit school tomorrow. Then I try to sign up for the gym because I need to lose weight fast! but the stupid website is fucking down! Holy shit!!!!!!!!! It's driving me insane...I was getting pissed off when I thought let me blog it helps to release all the negativity inside and hence I am here. This is me:

I want to move, I'm rooted to the floor
Its a beautiful day, it's raining in my room
I feel tired, yet my eyes are wide open
For some reason I forgot how to speak
Confined in my head the words bounce around raging with anger
I wanna scream it out or perhaps cry it out
Yet my bodies a drought no longer able to express
I crave that sweet peppermint taste it helps to soothe
Or let a little liquid motivation do the trick
Yes drown it all in the guilty pleasures of life
Influences bad for me but oh so sweet
I want to float away in oblivious bliss
I'd rather be ignorant then know where I am
It more fun to be out of the loop
Then a smile out of "What" can stream across my face.

Extravagant!

Late Night Craving for peppermint (August 12, 2008)

12:55am...I am tired as hell..work sucked ass but I ended the night rather calmly. A nice little outing with my two favorite friends and of course my lovely sister. So lets begin from the very beginning...5 pm at walmart. I walked in on time and headed to the back came across the closing crew and clocked in..it was off to work I go. When I got to the floor it was dead, dead like a freaking ghost town and I found myself just standing there staring into nothing for about 45 minutes. All of a sudden boom! a crowd rushes in people asking for help left to right some more impatient then others and rudely annoying. I did what I could and finally an elder man took me away from the madness, he asked if I could help out with his cell phone contract (I couldn't deny the man my help after all wireless was my department) inside I really was jumping for joy as pathetic as that sounds I didn't want to be around those HDTV loving, madden crazy, converter box seeking, impatient Ipod spending freaks! So I crawled into my little domain of temporary sanctuary. Lucky for me this was going to take awhile...the only problem was this guy had something wrong with every contract. First his At&t contract was put on hold because of his past due bill, then his T-Mobile contract for his daughter was put on freeze because of an earlier incident on theft. So I had to make phone calls from one place to another. As I helped this man out he kept on insisting that I'd let him buy me coffee or a smoothie as a thanks for helping him out...weird? I reassured him I wasn't treating him any different then I treat my other clients and concluded that what I did was my job. His daughter was an angel though =)...I love babies just not one of my own Ha! After such the night began to move a lot quicker and before I knew it, it was time to go...even though it was a 5 hour shift I somehow feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me. After work I hopped in the car with my sis got dressed and headed out to Heberts Billards with the ladies. We rushed over in hopes we wouldn't miss much of the womens gymnastics on the Olympics this year. We sat down and I finally got something to eat I was starving. We all ordered and had a nice chat. Oh! and I forgot to mention how much of a different person my Gubster looked. She def had a complete makeover I was very impressed. Her hair was nicely straightened and highlighted her eyes were beautifully lit by her new Hazel contacts and not to mention her pretty looking nails and toes...I'm jealous i want a mani and a pedi!...But I must say she looks like a whole new person...Brand New! hehe. Ahh yes what a way to end a tired Tuesday night! Tomorrow I have orientation early for Radiology...I'm still thinking about whether I go or not..Hmmmm? Well its getting late and my eyes are getting heavy its time to call it quits for tonight.

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (August 12, 2008)

Its 2:25pm on an august afternoon. I am currently sitting at my desk in my room starting up an online journal. See the thing is I've always wanted to keep some type of journal going however for some reason I never could stick to one...odd? Anyway here's my last option (which is my first time attempting) to get my life's history going. See now there's so much I think about yet I have nothing to say lets start with my mood. Currently I am mediocre, its nice out and I gotta work at 5. Sucks I gotta close today. I work at Wal-mart and its an okay job great pay but I fucking hate retail. Been doing if for 5 years now and it sucks ass! But I need money doesn't everyone? Lately I've been feeling uncertain (actually I always feel uncertain) maybe its because I think to much? There's so much that I want but I can't have. Why is that? Why is it that a good person can't reap the luxuries of life? Maybe because I don't deserve them? But I think I've been a good person and never did anything to extreme. I know assholes out there who's living the sweet life and here I am 21 year old Iris who's constantly struggling to keep balance in life to maintain myself on the thinnest line. Now that I think about it I dont think I've ever felt I had anything under control. My past problems I sorta just buried them deep inside but never rid them completely. Could that be the reason why I never seem to live a moment of clarified perception? Oh boy am I fucked. There's something about my head that freaks me out, how it never seems to just shut up! It's constantly on the move never able to relax and because of this I live in frustration. I've discovered I still don't know who I am or what I want to be, What is the meaning of life anyway? or at least my life. I've seen my fair share of accomplished people who know what they want and who they are. It shows me that there is possibility out there not all of us wander in the dark abyss of confusion. It's 3 now and I gotta work at 5 so I am outties. I'll blog again later...stay tuned get ready to hear what its like in walmart for a 5 hour shift!