So here I am finished with school and all, finally in the med field that the father so forcefully wanted me to be, I got myself (which I personally believe would be a great start to my career) a job with Maxim Health Care in Hackensack but somehow it occurred to me this morning after a brief encounter with the father, he wasn't entirely satisfied with where my standings are now. This is how it went;
I was sitting on the couch after a nice relaxing shower, I had woken up feeling a little tense and with a light headache so I decided to take a hot shower to relax me, which it did. The father comes along drinking his usual cup of ocean spray light cranberry juice before sleeping for the day, when he says,
"So Iris are you finished with school"
"Yeah, I've been done since October"
"Okay, so what about work? Did you find a job or did the school find you a job?"
"No, the school didn't get me a job, I found myself a job at Maxim, remember I told you about it when I had to go for an interview"
"Oh but that's not good you should be looking to work at Donna's Hospital"
"But I already have a job they want me to start Dec 7th"
"You want to at least try for a hospital like palisades, or hackensack, I hear they are the best in this area and its only about 20 minutes away. Valley where Donna works is also nice, you've got nothing to lose applying to these places. Also Dr. Bond has about 4 medical billers and coders working for his office and I think he's looking for help. I am going to speak with him at my next appointment and see if he would be interested in hiring you."
"Pops I already have a job with Maxim and I told them I am taking the position, besides a hospital won't hire me unless they see I have at least 2 years of experience. So I am using Maxim as a means of experience but if the job goes well and I like where I work I'm going to stay with them."
"But the benefits are better in a hospital and the pay too, you want to look out for your well being as well as your finances. I'm going to speak to Dr. Bond and see if hes looking for help."
"....."
I said no more and sat in silence while he continued to lecture me on the greatness of working at a hospital. He then went about lecturing me on how he and mom didn't get the chance to get an education and how I should be taking full advantage of my privileges. I continued to turn the pages of the photo album I put together of Faith and just smiled at how cute she looked in the photos. Before I knew it the father was saying he was going to sleep for a couple of hours and that he'll see me later in the day. I said nothing and just gestured my head. I heard the door close to his room and took a deep sigh of relief.
I don't understand the way the father thinks sometimes, I mean didn't I live up to his wishes about going into the medical field and actually finish up school not being a total failure? At this point in life I should be making my own decisions, being that I am 23 and all. Why cant he understand that? I didn't even hear a congrats when I told him I was done, not a "I'm proud of you" or "That's great your on your way"......nothing, nothing, nothing......I heard not one word of resignation or acceptance from him. All I got was "now its time to work and pay off your loans"......thanks a lot.
The mother however made me proud of my final achievements, she congratulated me and hugged me saying how happy she was that I finally finished school. She even was extremely happy when I told her I got the job with Maxim and said "Now you can go shopping and buy all the clothes you want, you can get an apt of your own and you can also buy a new car! Look at all the good things you can do now that you have a career!" The mother makes me feel great, makes me feel superior, makes me feel like I can take on the world.
(Hold on brb, I need to take something for this pounding headache)
As I was saying, yes the mother the only backbone I had, the only solid support following me throughout my childhood. One day I want to make her happy, I want to support her and give her everything she's always wanted. I want to move her to Hawaii to be with her family and finally put her lonely suffering to an end. And whether or not the father decides to follow her is on him.....
So what constitutes as a"father figure"? is it someone who pays for your well being as you grow up and puts a roof over your head? Who tells you whats right and wrong and tells you what specific path to follow? Who says "I'm only looking out for you and you'll understand why I did this when you get older" Yeah I understand that part, but where was the support? The "I Love You"? The "Good Luck" when you had a game or a competition? To the "I'm proud of you" when you finally graduated college........
I study others and their relationship with their fathers and its totally different from mine (I don't know if I should even be calling it a "relationship"). I'm envious of these other people and frankly I'm jealous and it gets me upset to see what others have that I don't. It even makes me sick to see how close some families can be, that its strange to me, odd, not human....
Maybe that's why I've become numb, a nonchalant type of person. I wonder why I am so quiet around crowds, to what people have to say or when someone shows affection toward me. I sometimes feel stupid like I don't know what to say or how to act....I feel alien
I guess the father and I will always be this way, I guess this is our so called "relationship" like Oil & Water, they can never mesh together....Oh well, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of caring...
I was sitting on the couch after a nice relaxing shower, I had woken up feeling a little tense and with a light headache so I decided to take a hot shower to relax me, which it did. The father comes along drinking his usual cup of ocean spray light cranberry juice before sleeping for the day, when he says,
"So Iris are you finished with school"
"Yeah, I've been done since October"
"Okay, so what about work? Did you find a job or did the school find you a job?"
"No, the school didn't get me a job, I found myself a job at Maxim, remember I told you about it when I had to go for an interview"
"Oh but that's not good you should be looking to work at Donna's Hospital"
"But I already have a job they want me to start Dec 7th"
"You want to at least try for a hospital like palisades, or hackensack, I hear they are the best in this area and its only about 20 minutes away. Valley where Donna works is also nice, you've got nothing to lose applying to these places. Also Dr. Bond has about 4 medical billers and coders working for his office and I think he's looking for help. I am going to speak with him at my next appointment and see if he would be interested in hiring you."
"Pops I already have a job with Maxim and I told them I am taking the position, besides a hospital won't hire me unless they see I have at least 2 years of experience. So I am using Maxim as a means of experience but if the job goes well and I like where I work I'm going to stay with them."
"But the benefits are better in a hospital and the pay too, you want to look out for your well being as well as your finances. I'm going to speak to Dr. Bond and see if hes looking for help."
"....."
I said no more and sat in silence while he continued to lecture me on the greatness of working at a hospital. He then went about lecturing me on how he and mom didn't get the chance to get an education and how I should be taking full advantage of my privileges. I continued to turn the pages of the photo album I put together of Faith and just smiled at how cute she looked in the photos. Before I knew it the father was saying he was going to sleep for a couple of hours and that he'll see me later in the day. I said nothing and just gestured my head. I heard the door close to his room and took a deep sigh of relief.
I don't understand the way the father thinks sometimes, I mean didn't I live up to his wishes about going into the medical field and actually finish up school not being a total failure? At this point in life I should be making my own decisions, being that I am 23 and all. Why cant he understand that? I didn't even hear a congrats when I told him I was done, not a "I'm proud of you" or "That's great your on your way"......nothing, nothing, nothing......I heard not one word of resignation or acceptance from him. All I got was "now its time to work and pay off your loans"......thanks a lot.
The mother however made me proud of my final achievements, she congratulated me and hugged me saying how happy she was that I finally finished school. She even was extremely happy when I told her I got the job with Maxim and said "Now you can go shopping and buy all the clothes you want, you can get an apt of your own and you can also buy a new car! Look at all the good things you can do now that you have a career!" The mother makes me feel great, makes me feel superior, makes me feel like I can take on the world.
(Hold on brb, I need to take something for this pounding headache)
As I was saying, yes the mother the only backbone I had, the only solid support following me throughout my childhood. One day I want to make her happy, I want to support her and give her everything she's always wanted. I want to move her to Hawaii to be with her family and finally put her lonely suffering to an end. And whether or not the father decides to follow her is on him.....
So what constitutes as a"father figure"? is it someone who pays for your well being as you grow up and puts a roof over your head? Who tells you whats right and wrong and tells you what specific path to follow? Who says "I'm only looking out for you and you'll understand why I did this when you get older" Yeah I understand that part, but where was the support? The "I Love You"? The "Good Luck" when you had a game or a competition? To the "I'm proud of you" when you finally graduated college........
I study others and their relationship with their fathers and its totally different from mine (I don't know if I should even be calling it a "relationship"). I'm envious of these other people and frankly I'm jealous and it gets me upset to see what others have that I don't. It even makes me sick to see how close some families can be, that its strange to me, odd, not human....
Maybe that's why I've become numb, a nonchalant type of person. I wonder why I am so quiet around crowds, to what people have to say or when someone shows affection toward me. I sometimes feel stupid like I don't know what to say or how to act....I feel alien
I guess the father and I will always be this way, I guess this is our so called "relationship" like Oil & Water, they can never mesh together....Oh well, I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of caring...
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