Well it's been a while since I wrote and there's plenty to be said. Right now life is up and down. Last night was an odd night cant say that it was bad nor can I say that it was good. More on the neutral side? Idk....theres was plenty of alcohol involved =| and once that hits my system my word vomit comes out. There was a lot going threw my head a lot to think about because there is a lot going on. Last night I thought a lot not to mention how many cigs I smoked...OMG almost my whole case wow was that bad. I woke up this morning feel utterly disgusting after realizing how much I smoked. Thats right I've picked up a bad habit very bad and last night I went over board. It was really interesting though. As drunk as I was I had some clarification to understand those I spoke to. It seems like everyones going through some type of problem but just listening its amazing to hear all the types out there. At this point I'm very confused my heads spinning and its getting me dizzy to much to think about yet no solutions to stir up.
I was angry last night I felt a sense of jealousy...why?...not even I could understand..well that's a lie I did understand toward the end..but I'm not man enough to say the truth...I'm a coward afraid of what might happen...afraid of what people might think...afraid of what might happen to me and my feelings....I'm a delicate person my skin may be thick but if someone touches my heart I fall apart like glass...I will shatter into a million pieces given the right amount of strength. I am a very selfish person...Gubby told me all night and soon I realized yes I am very selfish...its weird today I woke up feeling okay...(aside from the fact I was hungover) but my feeling had sorta paused...It's like I had no knowledge of emotions...Every piece of last night reminded me of myself...
From Ryan's apartment (signifying my wanting for independence) it was an awesome place and I was envious to live that kind of life, to mike's strong yet very angry personality ( I really am that kind of person I do hold a lot of anger and seeing the way he sorta threw it out there when things didn't go right it reflected my hidden anger. I feel that rage inside my head and heart and the only thing I damage is my insides), there was also Gubby's attempt to control her wanting to get in contact of the one she cares most (yes Joey that part reminded me of you...how I desperately wanted to call and tell you everything how strong my feelings are right now just to spill everything on your lap and to see what you would do about it), to the couples there that night reminded me how I longed to be touched once again...to feel lips upon mine to feel the warmth of ones arms around me, the security of being wanted to be cared for, to Howards art work ( they were dark, held plenty emotions at least to me)..reminded me of my inner secrets, my selfish ties, my jealousy, my anger...If i could draw I'd say that would be about accurate. Then there was Hazel who seemed to be the only positive one that night...She kept a neutral perspective my hope my motivation that life maybe isn't really that bad. That I could look ahead and see that one day I'd be neutral. Yeah I thought about this throughout the night...to much thinking don't you think?
As I stood outside it began to rain...the rain felt nice...it couldn't have been more perfect...the cool drops of water hitting my hot face...I was very warm inside I guess it was because of my stirring emotions..so much thinking so much jealousy...The rain was like a cleansing I didnt care whether my hair was getting messed up or my makeup...I embraced the rain with open arms it was liberating...I could close my eyes and think back to that moment of peace and relaxation...something about the rain washed away my emotions.
I am a terrible person...I'm not so nice like I thought, but thats for another time when I am brave enough to admit why...right now I can't, why? Because I am a coward.
Maybe your right Joey...maybe I do need to man up.
I am so lost its starting to make me laugh...I am tired though....I don't want to deal with all the emotion I want to be saved but who or what will do that? Right now all I can do is smile and walk be myself and hide away the ugly. See last night I let it out...hopefully to the right people...yet that wasn't suppose to happen....to much to drink caused me to have an outburst...I apologize to those who had to deal with my pathetic emotions..I know people felt annoyed with me and angry and I am sorry for being such an idiot...how humiliating...I feel pathetic.
I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings hopefully it will be the day I longed for...the day where all my questions will be answered.
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